Stretch Life Out

 There are several shows that revolve around having many, many children.  There’s the one with 14 kids–boring.  There’s the one with 18–exhausting and loud and boring.  Then we have the most memorable “Jon & Kate Plus 8.”  For some reason this family is fascinating to the American people.  This particular family can’t teach us much except that if you have 6 or more kids you are guaranteed your own reality show and an obscene amount of publicity.  I first took a glimpse at the show a couple of years ago to see what all the hubub was about.  I caught the episode where Kate exposed her extremely stretched out stomach to the camera.  It was gross and I never tuned in again, until a couple of weeks ago where it was very unmemorable.  I don’t understand what’s wrong with you people.  What makes this family so great to watch?

Jon & Kate take the kids to an amusement park.  The kids cry and argue about which shoes to where.  Kate gives up the arguement because with 8 kids it’s just not worth it.  The kids have breakfast in the car.  The kids cry some more on the way to the amusement park.  They go on rides.  No one gets lost.  Jon & Kate look as though they are at boot camp versus a happy, go-lucky day with the family going on rides.  Jon & Kate do not act like a couple.  They go home and the kids cry some more.  The end.  Of that episode.  Oooh, I can’t wait ’till next week when they do something else completely mundane.

Next, Jon & Kate separate from their marriage.  This becomes a “Paris Hilton in jail” kind of media circus that is the top news story before something much more important like the thousands of people who just DIED in an earthquake on the other side of the world.  I’d tell you where, but there was a commercial break.  Why is this anti-couple so damn important?!  They broke up.  Whoopty-doo.  Thousands of Americans divorce every year (or is it every day–does it really matter?), but for some boring reason these two guys matter enough to be breaking news.  If anything, the media is encouraging them to f*** up for our sheer amusement.  “Oh no, Kate got her period, better call Fox News!”

Now the we have the famous show where we watch Kate take her 8 to the beach soon after plastic surgery for that really gross stomach.  Everyone thinks she looks great.  Wow.  Groundbreaking entertainment.  Jon is elsewhere philandering with who knows who.  Some woman.  And he’s not complaining about being without 8.  Really?  I can see why someone might get “separated” for an escape.  It’s the only way to take a vacation without paying for childcare.  He just fooled around to seal the deal.  Kate’s just pissed she didn’t think of it first.

I was watching the news this morning, well, “Showbiz Tonight,” and for some reason Jon’s philandering is all they can talk about.  Jon is not in show business and he never will be with that beer belly, short stature, and no acting ability whatsoever.  Okay, whatever, I don’t produce the “news.”  Anyway, what the hell is the appeal of this guy?  So far I have heard of at least three woman Jon has had on the side.  He’s not particularly attractive.  He’s not talented in anything.  Hmm, does he have a big shlong?  Probably not, so I think it’s because he’s a television reality star.  If they actually watched the show, they’d see that he’s kind of lazy, let’s Kate do most of the work, Jon moans a lot about doing stuff, had 8 kids with his wife then repeatedly CHEATED on her.  This wasn’t “just a slip.”  Come on ladies, this guy’s a loser.  Plus, all of his new flings look kinda like his future x-wife, but not quite so “used.”  Coincidence?

Now Kate might get her own talk show.  Does she want to talk to real celebrities?  What are her kids going to do?  Be in the band in the corner?  Who’s going to take care of them?  Maybe Kate has found her own way of escaping her children, except a talk show has just as much responsibility.  She likes the responsibility but doesn’t want to deal with bedtime?  She has a taste of the negative limelight television has to offer and wants it to get worse and keep going?  Maybe these people should be on T.V. 24 hours a day like that one Jim Carrey movie and call it “24:  Jon & Kate Plus 8 Boring All The Time.”  This is not the least bit interesting.  Kate’s show will be cancelled before the premiere.  Hard-working mothers all over the country will spill out into the streets wailing uncontrollably in protest of her neglecting her children.  Some will be injured, many will die . . . from boredom.

If I had my own show where I was legally allowed to exploit my children and spouse, I might think I was special too.  Maybe even occasionally entertaining.  Occasionally.  But I don’t have a show, and I’m not special.  Jon & Kate Plus 8 is special, I guess, but not to me.  Theyre eSPECIALly oblivious to the fact that they are like everybody else and seriously need to get over themselves.  I just don’t care about their troubles and neither should you.  We have our own struggles to deal with.  This is just another story of a broken family in America.  A sad story a lot of people have without having a show and legions of fans making fun of them and curious about their every move, not at all thinking about the children.